Before we get cracking on the latest festive instalment of Friday Randoms, let’s just make it clear that the act of giving a gift is always special, no matter how utterly useless it is. It’s always the thought that counts…

Here’s a rundown of shit Christmas presents we’ve rolled our eyes at with a “Thanks” through clenched teeth and a forced smile over the years, which we will inevitably continue to do so well into the future! These can also be applied to birthdays. WAGS are exempt as they always tend to nail it, so thanks for that ladies.

Cycle Clips from Uncle Jasper

As a youth, Uncle Jasper was a keen cyclist. “Ohh you’re a freestyle rider are you dear, what utopia?” he says in his usual flamboyent style, while mimicking a quarter with a glass of Sherry as the BMXer. Pretending he’s somehow at one with youth culture, he’s once again purchased a set of vintage cycle clips for me. “More clips young man, we mustn’t let those trousers of yours catch in the mechanics of the flywheel.” Then he’ll go into the story of how, in 1968 while cycling on Camberwell Road in London, he almost lost an eye when his trousers got stuck in his chain. He slid on his fat side before resting his head on the curb. Like clockwork he crouches down to offer the ‘correct installation’ before it’s declined and I hide in my room until he’s sufficiently inebriated enough for me to come out again.