England are out of the world cup and no one really cares. However, they’d still be in it now, and would no doubt win if the team was made up of BMXers. Here’ five reasons why you’d kill it in Brazil…

We wouldn’t go down that easy

BMXers would not go down this easy. Even if the player had bitch slapped a BMXer we’d probs LOL and then and smash that leatherette sports ball real hard, right into the onion bag. This is probably the worst dive of all time, but it is funny. GO SOCCER…

We know how to take a penalty

Whether a BMXer has previously kicked a ball or not is irrelevant because we instantly know how to take a penalty thanks to riding. A penalty kick is a lot like doing your first rail. However, if you mess up you just look a dick on some grass and you won’t actually hurt yourself. Unlike the rail where the potential for physical trauma on concrete is high. We already have the right mindset for a penalty kick and it’s quite surprising that England don’t have a BMXer coaching this technique to the overpaid super flops. Idiots.

There’s no I in team, but there is ME

Every BMXer would play the game like Messi. There’s no such thing as “passing” the ball to us, why would we LOL?? BMX is not a team sport, it’s a ME sport and you have to know how bangin we are, so we’re going to show you. That means the chances of receiving a pass from us are minimal. What actually happens is the BMXer would be running at speed to the opposition goal mouth until he’s subbed off, or until he’s scored like 9 goals.

We’d own the goal celebrations

Dean Hearne Pegs Mash Up from Notion Store on Vimeo.

It’s common knowledge that a BMXer will shut down pretty much any dance floor available. Take this to the pitch and things will get messy really quickly. Not only would we start the worlds first ever mosh pit celebration, but the BMXer would take no prisoners when it comes to the removal of clothing.

We’d have no problems with box to box play

Because to BMXers a football pitch looks like this…. It’s all rubbish of course. The only good thing to come from the world cup for us is the fact that security guards are not leaving their portacabins. Giving us free reign to street spots while the weather is glorious. Loverly stuff.