Ohio officially sucks

Posted on September 01, 2007 @ 9:29 AM

One summer afternoon, I was pedaling around downtown Cleveland with Justin Simpson, Clint Reynolds, Matty Aquizap, Brad Jameson, Mike from Chicago, and Nutter.  We ventured over to what we knew full well was a pretty shady part of town to ride a curved bench wallride that was literally directly across the street from the projects.  Justin and I had been there just a few days prior with no problems, though, and there was still plenty of light left in the day, so we figured everything should be fine, especially considering there were seven of us.  Everyone was riding the bench and having a good time, and the only reaction from the local residents was the occasional cheer.

Then, kids started showing up.  One at a time, kids ranging from ages 10 to 15 approached our group.  Next thing we knew, there were six or seven kids surrounding us.  I put on my camera bag and was trying to be friendly by talking to one of the kids about his Huffy when another youngster, maybe 14 years old, wearing a shirt covering his face like an old-west bank robber, walked up and sat down on my bike.  I grabbed my crossbar and asked nicely for my bike back, which let to him asking if he could ride it.  I told him I wanted to ride it right now, and he just sat there.  It was soon obvious that he was not planning on giving me my bike back, and that this was going to be a mess.  All I could think about was what a pain in the ass it was going to be to get another bike.  After trying to reason with him for a couple of minutes, it became apparent that my attempts at civility were only worsening the situation by allowing time for more kids to show up and move in on us.  It was clear that some sort of physical action had to be taken.

I attempted to sit down on my bike with him, hoping I could sort of shoehorn him out of the way, but he definitely wasn’t having it and started to fight back.  At that point, I pushed him to the ground and took off running with my bike.  He chased after me as I tried to find my pedals to make my escape; I looked up only to see a concrete median in the road, which I was certain I was not going to make it over without my feet on my pedals.  The kid took full advantage of the situation and pushed me down right as I got to the median.  I tumbled, camera bag on my back, and he started swinging at me from above as I sat Indian-style on the pavement trying to get up.  Apparently he has terrible aim, though, because I was able to dodge all his punches while sitting on the ground with a huge camera bag on.  He took a step back, and I put my arms up to try and do my best to prepare for him to kick me in the face, which really did seem like the next logical step in the progression of violence.  He didn’t kick me, though, and I somehow eventually made it back to my feet relatively unscathed, save bloody knees and elbows from hitting the cement.  I had fallen a few feet in front of my bike, and I knew there was no way I would be able to get on it and ride off with the kid right there.  Taking that into consideration, and with the confidence boost provided by him failing to land one single punch while I was sitting helplessly on the ground, I came to the conclusion that I had no choice other than to fight the little punk. There was simply no other way around it.  I was totally ready to fight a 14-year-old.  I’ve never punched anyone before in my life – I suppose I might as well start with a little kid, right?  I stepped toward him, and apparently he had no idea how much of a sissy I am, because he took off running on the opposite direction.  

While all that was going on, Justin had two kids latched onto his backpack as he tried to ride away; one of them punched him in the back of the head, and the other tried to ninja kick him.  He was about to slam one of them in the head with his front peg when one of the straps on his backpack ripped and he was able to get them off of him without any further violence.  

It was such a wild scene.  I’m pretty sure we were all legitimately scared; I know I sure as hell was.  There were a ton of those kids, and we knew they all probably had big brothers right around the corner.  Not to mention that the possibility of a weapon being introduced was very real.  In any case, what kind of 14-year-old tries to steel someone’s bike right out from under him?  What does that kid’s future hold?  Something tells me it may not be very bright.  I’m not under any illusion that this couldn’t have happened just about anywhere in the world, but the fact of the matter is, it happened in Ohio, only reaffirming my long-held belief that Ohio sucks.

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